Celebrity Quotes
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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- "A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him."
......Sidney Greenberg
- "The average pencil is 7 inches long with just a half inch eraser...in case you thought optimism was dead"
......Robert Brautt
- "Ever wonder why a golf pencil has no eraser?"
- "The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule ."
......H. L.Mencken
.....'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy
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'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra
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'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman
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'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright
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'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke
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'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin
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'Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
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One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the ' Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general peed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
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"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
.......Henny Youngman
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